Man, this gig really drains. I'm so dead I could just lay down. All I wanna do is drink some juice and stare at the wall for days. But first, gotta upload a few Lord Farquaad memes to celebrate the pain. Work is a real journey, man.
The climb up the corporate ladder is merely a trek towards Shrek's swamp
Sure, they tell you it's all about drive, about scaling to the top and controlling your little domain. They paint a picture of wealth, but let me tell you, that shiny penthouse suite with its panoramic view? It's just another lonely tower in Shrek's swamp.
You're going to long days, meetings that go nowhere, and a never-ending parade of backstabbing colleagues. Your aspirations? They'll get swallowed up in the mire like another unfortunate tourist who wandered into this wretched swamp.
- And don't even get me started on the dress code. You think your suits will impress anyone down here?
- Trust me, you'll be wishing for a good pair of rain gear
When you find yourself climbing that ladder, pause and ask yourself: Is this really what I want? Or am I just bamboozled by the system, only to end up like every other lost soul in Shrek's swamp?
Subject Line: "Important Meeting" - My Being: "Like an Onion, Shrek."
You know that feeling when your manager sends out an email with/about/regarding a meeting and the subject line just screams "urgency/importance/significance"? Yeah, well, my soul is currently experiencing something akin to a fictional onion. Layered with anxiety/dread/a healthy dose of WTF, each layer reveals/hides/uncovers another questionable/confusing/intriguing detail about the meeting's purpose.
Is it a performance review? A team-building exercise/activity/nightmare? Or, perhaps, the unveiling of a revolutionary/disastrous/slightly off-brand new company initiative? Honestly, at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if it was a meeting about how to best prepare for/survive/celebrate an alien invasion.
- I need coffee. Like, a metric ton of coffee.
- Let me just pretend to be busy with something else.
- Should I even bother checking the calendar for next week?
This Spreadsheet Could Be Done Faster With Superhuman Might
Look, this spreadsheet is a real pain. I'm drowning in data and formulas, my brain is fried, and the deadline is full time work looming like a hungry goblin. It wouldn't take some serious muscle to get this thing done. I'm talking about the kind of power that only an ogre. This ain't a job for your average office worker, this is heavy lifting work.
- Perhaps it's time to a squad of golems?
- This file requires an atomic bomb
- I'm demanding caffeine injections
Weekend? Nah, I'm Just Going Back to My Layer Cake of Papers
The idea of relaxation this weekend is just hilarious. My desk is currently a monument of documents, each one demanding my attention. Honestly, I'm more motivated about conquering this pile of work than I am about binging some Netflix. Maybe a weekend marathon of caffeine and sorting is more my speed.
Full Time Work Makes Me Feel Like a Donkey in a Corporate Stable
I'm chained in this office monster. Every day feels like I'm shuffling along, just another horse in the system. I'm exhausted from pushing this load day after day. I long about breaking free.
- Maybe I'll become a farmer and actuallyactually have animals that respect my labor.
- {Or maybe I'll travel the world and finally discover myself.
- {Whatever it is, I know I can't stay here forever.{ It's just not healthy.